Canonical List Of Lightbulb Jokes
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out
(in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
2. Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough
light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
3. Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental
impact statement.
4. 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate
whether it it was politically correct.
How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have council fires instead.
How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot
tubs!
2. Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
3. Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and
discuss the environmental impact.
4. Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share
the experience.
5. Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all
those Californians trying to share the experience.
3. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the
nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that
powers it.
How many hippies from Oregon does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out
over here."
How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it.
[bitter laugh]
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
2. Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the
other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
3. Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from
muggers.
4. 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without
trying to stop it.
5. 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and
the third to shoot the witness.
How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
2. Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes
it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they
all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite
all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch
his moose moult.
3. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to
decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain
that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native
Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians
have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action
Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been
underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to
the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and
not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it
in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the
government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's
the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly
world-class bulb screwing.
2. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the
Walden Galleria.
Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour and a half away
from the Centre of the Universe and just off the Interstate
in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians engaging
in the old Canadian tradition of cross border shopping. On a
weekend the parking lot would be so full of Ontario plates
you would think that you were in Canada. Of course you could
not legally return to Canada with more than $25 worth of
goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest,
polite and industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife
smugglers. The classic method for smuggling clothing was
"wearing it back" and so long lines of cars containing
scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue
up Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few
hours later, miraculously, in the true American tradition of
rags to riches, be transformed into trendy and well attired
Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive
afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada
Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of
the exotic malls of Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all
ended with the introduction of Sunday shopping in Ontario in
1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian dollar.
Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun
while it lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame
as it is, brought back a lot of memories.
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb!
We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just
fine.
How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to
hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
2. 15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good
batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the
house round.
How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to hold the light bulb, and 99 to drink until the room
starts to spin.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one
to screw it in.
3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a light bulb ?
Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control
checkers at the Lowenbrau brewery here in the beautiful city of
Munich where they have to carefully check that each and every
stage of the bier brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot
ancient brewing laws laid down in 1516 which set minimum
standards for the purity of the ingredients otherwise they'd be
subject to extremely enormous fines so quality control is a
very important job both in terms of the quality of all the
Lowenbrau biers and of course the financial good health of the
company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops
not forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance ?
What we Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our bier.
How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
How many Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story
about it...
How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
Note: This joke was created after the creator saw the movie
2010.
How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?
9000 and its their light bulb
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on
strike!
How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times
for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request,
one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer
firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to
bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten
to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy
Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to
raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new
pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty
from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the
Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to
go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw
it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in,
and the Monsignor to bless it.
How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift
the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask
which way to turn the chair.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.
What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac
in tight circles.
2. Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to
burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do
it.
How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to
eat the packaging.
How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's
union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club
Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me
once.
How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
(Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling
everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell
convincingly of sick.)
How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one
in.
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house
hostage.
How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to
Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to
negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent
bulbs held in hostage around the world!!
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to
forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it
was burnt out in the first place.
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
2. Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the
beers.
3. 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and
say "Good on yer, mate!"
How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up
really easily after only trying for a little while, the
Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from
the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off
and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out
of the ordinary is happening.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back
again.
2. Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
2. None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in
light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark,
which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
2. Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he
can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
How many government officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme Court - to
determine its constitutionality.
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Less and less all the time.
How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light
bulb?
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the
bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the
other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to
find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb
failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other
candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and
gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill,
and blames republicans and special interests for not making
light bulbs free.
2. None -- He'll only promise "change."
3. Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light
bulb in the White House?
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White
House.
How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering
"ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James
Watt in 1983
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran.
How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light
bulb in or not!
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate
for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his
light bulb to Iran.
How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a
quorum.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
2. Just one - Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her
apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987
How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify
the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the
bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the
bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional
amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to
replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from
the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to
lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene
importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene
importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all just quit and go home!
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces
would have already caused it to happen.
2. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
3. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
4. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The invisible hand does it.
2. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the
conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show
growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely
getting brighter !!!
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by
itself.
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it
or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question
of...(blah blah waffle)"
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the
social, economic, and ethnic communities.
2. Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee
from jerking.
3. None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already
part of the environment.
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, they only screw the poor
2. Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
previous bulb.
How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
2. None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to
sit in the dark.
How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't
know how.
How many MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding
committee to learn more about how it's done.
How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself
accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act
involving womens underwear.
2. I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing
service has been privatised and the information you require
is commercially sensitive.
How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for
it.
How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame
the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the
original bulb in place 17 years ago.
How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to
screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to
hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test
the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room
will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break,
one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of
breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics
with the yuppies.
How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable
right to withdraw its labour.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light
bulbs.
2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
2. One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to
establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to
force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and
one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an
American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light
bulb itself.
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change
a light bulb?
1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the
means of production!
How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for
microphones.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight
Darkness!"
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the
interrupt.
How many nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of
themselves in their office.
How does an engineer change a light bulb?
As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters,
he doesn't !
How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
How many rocket scientist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None they just tell Marcus to do it.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. "We'll document it in the manual."
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably
fall down.
4. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
5. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to
document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
6. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one
technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the
one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a
sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want
to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at
which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
7. Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it
in, and two to explain why the project was late.
8. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
9. It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its
modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
10. The change is 90% complete.
11. We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point
trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from
scratch. Could you wait two months?
12. Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer
we have who can get the <insert name here> software ready to
ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
13. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took
was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a
light bulb.
How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's
problem.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time
to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light
bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic
light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light
bulb change message.
2. At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it
is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's
me, over there !"
How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50
to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so
when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the
team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get
everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing
a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to
answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our
light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures
in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a
light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he
can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Note: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem
LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion.
(cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion)
These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their
standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to
write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a
light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to
change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you need to upgrade your
socket to the '486 version.
How many software vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the
privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light
bulb?
1. Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software
problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the
light bulb in question.
How many IBM staff does it take to change a light bulb?
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they add value to photon
emitter units.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a
feature.
How many IBM programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
33. One to change the lightbulb and the other 32 to write 14
volumes of documentation of which half consists of pages
containing only "This page left intentionally blank" and the
other half definitions such as " 'bulb' can be defined as a
glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see
volume IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For
Illumination") designed to mate with a housing integral to the
ceiling referred to as a "socket" (see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap
Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets"; if uncertain
of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets - A
Preliminary Identification Guide")"
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb
adaptor card first, which is extra.
2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses
first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how
to do it.
2. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page
intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of
the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
2. They aren't certain, everytime they do the math, they get a
different number.
3. 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical
people.
4. Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the
ladder....
5. 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you
convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the
spec.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and
socket before the operation is started.
2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft
gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the
world.
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.
Note: Very similar to the bureaucrats joke.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard
socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for
it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write
WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy
for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be
obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
2. Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
3. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the
old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new
light.
4. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to
insert the new one.
5. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method
for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on
anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb
changing method.
6. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're
arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will
use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the
bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd
arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not
the function is exponential is not known.
How many light bulbs does it take to screw Netscape?
Four. One for employees of non-profit organisations, one for
students and educators, one for people who can read a license
agreement, one for people who expect a company to keep its
word.
Note: Refers to Netscape Corp., which distributed betas of
their Web browser for free, announcing that the final version
will be free also. Once the final version was out, they changed
their mind. Only for students, educators and employees of
non-profit organisations does it remain free.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
1. As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
2. One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both
the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants'
and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the
socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket,
so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
1. All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and
tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt
soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as
it's manufactured by DEC.
2. "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but
if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when
we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."
How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
92 - As follows:
2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in
addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when
we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements)
compatibility/architecture study.
3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows
function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet,
flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
(!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
(bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation -
screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.
How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with
him.
How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
2. Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection
slip to the old bulb.
How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!
How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?
How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The last time this question was asked, it involved art
directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the
other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should
just query them.
How many cover artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this
light fixture?
How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to
bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win
a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a
light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so
you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a
remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a
third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months
later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint
in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is
coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb
is shipping with a virus.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get
the manager.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, but he uses a chainsaw.
2. They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note: This is based on recent successful environmentalist
pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the
endangered spotted owl species.
How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new
fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's of no interest to them.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the
way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate !
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the
roof.
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for
more bulbs.
2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one
that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to
replace the whole socket.
How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the
witness.
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to
guard him .
How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one because the world revolves around him.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. It turned itself in.
2. None, it fell down the stairs, sir.
3. Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many hunters does it take to screw a light bulb into a left-handed
socket?
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they
could screw right they would not be hunters.
How many hunt sabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off
the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
How many police does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh?)
How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
How many bailiffs does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to
stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out
of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count
the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never was any light bulb.
How many disaster recovery planners does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup facilities in West
Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already glowing
brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of
failure of the primary bulb.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
2. Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
3. Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to
fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize
a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file
the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the
requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent
to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a
clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
5. Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity
to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality
standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with
local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage
personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to
screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she
finally finishes screwing it up.
7. None, we contract out for things like that.
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the
newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub
instead.
How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the
Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public
Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway,
one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to
actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its
the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of
fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally
get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till
next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the
problem to an earlier joke.
4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby
reducing the problem to an earlier joke...
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can
change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more
simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have
changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure,
since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
2. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one
economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away
the ladder.
3. One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on
statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some
of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the
light bulb is negatively or positively screwed.
How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
2. If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
3. The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
in any time interval is independent of how long you've been
waiting.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
2. None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to
the homework.
3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
4. On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a
million to pick up the pieces.
How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a
light bulb?
Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an
irresistible urge to change it!
How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. That's what research students are for.
2. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the
mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one
to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student
to do the work.
How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a
complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to
inverse transform the removed light bulb.
How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
change a light bulb?
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand
around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get
it right.
How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it
right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to
do.
How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
bill the government for the house.
How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey
invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one
hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating
Station.
How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something
that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to
stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come
out as one.)
How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot
locate the new bulb.
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the
bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design
the bulb.
How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light
bulb?
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old
one and screw itself in.
How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an
MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. That depends on whether it has health insurance.
2. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
3. None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to
the surgery later.
4. None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the
mortuary.
5. None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo
diazapines.
6. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to
screw in.
How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the
light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink
mouthwash.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament
transplant.
2. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't
using it now.
How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using
it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes nine visits.
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and
hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the
microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of
glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire
filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one
to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb
and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old
base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process
uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several
intelligent people happily employed doing something totally
useless.
How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a light
bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting
room.
How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one
to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an
anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to
examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
2. Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a
new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to
maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3)
decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked.
Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually
or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's
pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing
job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty
light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light.
He returns to department and reports back. He completes work
ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by
maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then
checked to see task completed in time set out under
department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6)
checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into
department's workload report.
(Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
2. Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
3. How long have you been having this phantasy?
4. How many do you think it takes?
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops!
I mean, er, the light bulb.
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there
going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to
the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and
put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the
right, and to the right..."
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
2. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to
try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already
burned out).
How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
ramifications of the change.
How many Quality managers does it take to change a light bulb?
We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light
bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers
can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.
How many admin assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb
design change request form.
How many marketing directors does it take to change a light bulb?
It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
How many sales directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. What kind of answer did you have in mind?
2. None-just assume it's changed.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
1. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
2. We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but I'll get back to you on that.
Note: Believe it or not, this joke cracks up reporters because
PR people try to force reporters to work their stories by
talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually
knows anything... so he/she is always responding as in the
punchline.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
2. None. "Who needs lights?"
How many porn actresses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real
answer is actually none. They're just faking it.
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light
bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. How many can you afford?
2. None, lawyers only screw us.
3. Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone
to really screw a bulb...
4. None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the
following bill:
Item Light bulb
Charge $2185
(Itemization of bill charges)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400
Connectivity charge $ 100
Staff charge $ 250
Secretary prepared bill $ 2
Research fee $ 422
Consulting fee $ 431
Paralegal processing fees $ 25
Specialized equipment $ 122
Bought bulb $ 5
Overnight express delivery $ 34
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394
5. It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb.
6. Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by
standing up and shouting "Objection !"
7. Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and
one to sue the ladder company.
8. Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently
supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge
that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue
the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.
9. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to
dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their
time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two
to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
twenty-eight to bill for professional services. (another huge
answer is at the bottom of this file.)
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
1. That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee (binary only).
2. Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it
usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
3. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of
one of their subordinates to actually change it.
How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman to club the
other skater on the knee.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get
ready, and four to go!
2. Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up
when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the
truth of the report despite the manipulation.
How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light
bulb?
You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was
flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling
me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use
their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's
Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating
Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....
How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In."
How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop
everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the
introduction to a dance they want to do.
How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and
give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light
bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy,
three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to
grab the bulb.
How many guitarists/actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in and 99 to say, "Oh, I can do
that."
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh !
I could've done that !"
2. 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would
have done it a bit differently.
How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they
know the guy who owns the socket.
How many flute players does it to take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from
under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would
have done it.
How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for
alignment and leaks.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
1. No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around
and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done
that."
3. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and
seventeen in on the guest list.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old light bulb was.
How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other
how they could have done it better.
How many female opera singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out
from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high
for _you_ dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto
Section.)
2. One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine to discuss how it
was really too high for her.
How many classical music singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on
my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect
you to understand.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is
at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love
she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw
his hat in the air.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they don't get up that high.
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
2. Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just
the right one.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David
Sanborn would've done it.
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the
fingerings.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
2. It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
3. Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
4. Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists
who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric
light.
2. None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
3. Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent,
candles-anything you want.
4. "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a
3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month
GE will be coming out .... "
5. Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have
a new model bulb out which is much better.
6. Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the
Korg.
7. Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds
just like it." (With apologies for some slight overlapping of
the answers here.)
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Get the drummer to do it.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They have a machine that does that now.
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that
they can't just be pushed in.
3. One, but only after asking "Why?"
4. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but
only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
5. 10. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to dicuss
how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
6. One .. Two, and a-one two three four
How many roadies/sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
2. None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
3. One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original
apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape,
changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an
appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet
from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the
rest of the band.
How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to
change a light bulb?
21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the
Deadhead who was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead =
Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow
the burnt-out one!!
How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.
Note: Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles))
commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just
smells funny."
How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
1. Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is
electrified.
2. Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was
the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
3. It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change
it again anyway after everybody else is done.
4. They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
How many blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb
there and the other to play harp.
How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting
stustustustustustustustustustuck
How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is
blowin' in the wind.
How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old
one on his forehead.
2. Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the
first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead
Kennedys etc.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
2. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the
big deal, I could have done that."
3. Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to
stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
4. A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a
stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.
How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's
hotel room.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's
done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
1. What do you think? (Theatre humour)
2. Three. No, five. No, you go away - four. YES! Four! Perfect!
How many stage managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not your concern. It will be done by opening night.
How many lighting designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not my job.
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it?"
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to
give it a suprising twist at the end.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In
1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that
electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative.
Hitherto, the only sources ..."
2. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back
in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one
sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to
reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire
room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.
They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Bathtub full of powertools.
2. Fish.
How many performance artists does it take to change a light bulb?
2. One to change the light bulb and the other to put the
power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.
How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old
could've done that!"
How many fine artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how
good it looks.
How many members of the England cricket team does it take to
change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the
new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing
something out of his pocket into it.
How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a
day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary
strain upon them."
How many football managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change
it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he
gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to
kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the
light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and
screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
roll around on the floor pretending to be really
injured.
2. 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards,
and the other side's back four to all stand around and
put their hands up.
How many baseball owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like being in the dark ages.
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light
bulb?
Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours
for it.
How many American college football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
1. The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit
for it!
2. Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the
Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support
for it) Note: The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the
supposed best overall college football player each
season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was
formerly the University of Oklahoma football coach, one
of the winningest ever. The joke relates to the fact
that the school's publicity department has as much, if
not more, to do with getting the Heisman than the
player's actual ability.
(Commentary from another American! Not exactly... OU has
had a few Heisman trophy winners, but only one of them
when Switzer was head coach (thus the joke's really not
that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes,
former head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo
Schembechler, former Michigan head coach, it might be
more humorous.)
How many American footballers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
How many people at an American football match does it take to
change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of
the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a
successful bulb screwing.
How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any
over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention
to minutia surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a
light bulb?
A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to
all try and make the world revolve around it.
How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a light bulb?
One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
(also Buffalo Bills)
(Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live
in Buffalo, so it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to
recent Super Bowls. The Broncos have been to four Super
Bowls, and lost three by huge margins-"blowouts". Likewise
the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last
three straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.)
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! Brian.
How many American wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the
floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act
real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last
minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and
round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black
and white stripey uniform whose function is never made
quite clear to protest about something or other, to the
complete indifference of the bulb changers.
2. 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick
the switch.
How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge
muscles !"
How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have
been this big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely
enough!
How many chess computers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en
passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move
whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some
pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of
the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise,
and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate
in seven.
How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They are too "Short".
2. 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do
all the analysis.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby
Fischer?
Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to
file three millimetres off it first.
How many ping pong players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping
pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the
type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and
one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and
point out that he could have bought an even better one for
50p less.
How many scrabble players does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score
anyway.
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the
bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier
to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all
relative.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
Two kids are bragging:
Kid 1:
My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
Kid 2:
Oh, yeah! Sez who?
Kid 1:
Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the
light, and I'll eat it!"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old
bulb.
How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
1. GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP
are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH
AHHHHHhhh
2. Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at
the hospital to remove it.
How many w***ers does it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster
and faster, until it fuses.
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
Both of them.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
2. Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's
talk about the shade !
3. Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff
to remove it!
4. Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy
moustache.
5. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to
shriek "Fabulous!"
How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light
bulb?
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept
it.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary
about it.
2. Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the
gynaecologist.
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much
better it is than with a man.
4. Sixty-nine.
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and
second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the
closet where they belong.
2. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't
screw around with other men.
3. Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber
gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb
before him.
How many tight gits does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after
all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts
1000 hours.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
2. None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably
won't work either.
3. None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on
soon.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
1. None, because people who glow in the dark don't need
light bulbs.
2. None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm
that:
o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and
evolved over many years by small steps,
o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in
any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to
take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of
equality,
o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the
sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's
illumination preference, and
o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to
develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a
single candle instead of cursing the darkness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
2. 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else
to change light bulbs too.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. A tree in a golden forest.
2. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master
stays out of the way.
3. None. Zen masters carry their own light.
4. Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
5. One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The
true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
6. Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the
novice.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. They're never in the dark.
2. None. Atheists question whether it's really light
anyway.
3. None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. Note: Many
icons and other religious artworks describe christian saints
and biblical figures glowing with light.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in
the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and
one to not do any of those.
How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
Note: PUJA is a religious ceremony.
How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out
again.
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah,
and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look
for Salman Rushdie in the dark.
How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner
light.
How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the
tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the
words "Hare Krishna."
How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None, they provide their own illumination.
2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for
him to stand on.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and
there's no precedent for lightbulb changing.
2. Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
3. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and
give the old bulb last rites.
How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee of twelve
to talk about how they miss the old one.
How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
It depends on the dance step.
How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve
refreshments.
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God
will be replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows
quite when.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to
feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.
How many zionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - one to stay home and try to convinve someone else to
do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in
and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands
behind their actions.
How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first
place.
How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get
real bright !
How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability
of a woman.
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
first one.
Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced
"hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are an orthodox Jewish sect. The
jokes above refer to various further subsects and their
peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are
known for their belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be
coming along soon. The Bratzlaver joke refers to the fact
that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman, and
since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in
the group feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are
very strict in their adherence to the sex-role distinctions
prescribed by the Bible-in one area, they've been fighting
with local authorities about school busing, because they
believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the
school system employs a lot of women as bus drivers.
How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light
bulb?
"That's alright. I'll sit in the dark."
How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light
bulb?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
1. None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes
out enjoying yourselves.....
2. None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't
be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light
bulb for them, and after all they've done for you...
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it
behind her back.
How many mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say,
"I told you so!"
How many divorcees does it take to change a light bulb ?
None. The sockets all went with the house.
Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
1. BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
2. Cos it does, RIGHT?
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
2. None. It's not the light bulb that needs changing.
3. Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
4. "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
5. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
THAT?????!!!!???
6. Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how
it feels.
7. Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a
Lorena Bobbitt on any man who tries to interfere.
8. Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing
it before it's a third of the way in.
9. Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the
sexual implications.
10. Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to
find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket
as he works.
11. Seven. One to change the light bulb, three to protest
the offense committed by the light bulb in regards to
the socket, two to secretly wish they were the socket,
and one to secretly wish she was the light bulb.
12. 11. 1 to change the light bulb and 10 to form a
survivors of darkness support group!
13. Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
14. 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and
agonize about how oppressed the socket is.
15. How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby
Congress to outlaw crimes against sockets -- and to say
the bulb-changer is not a representative of mainstream
feminism.
16. 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the
LB be changed!
17. That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10
women-only-government- contractors working 2 years at a
salary of $50,000 per year. Otherwise, it's
traditionally expected for the man to do it.
18. Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to
research how the white male patriarchy conspires to keep
women and minorities in the dark.
19. Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be
unable to provide her children light without federal
assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask the Justice
Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in
the first place.
20. Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and
minorities will suffer more than anyone else because
it's dark.
21. None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally
protected right to work in the dark if they choose to.
22. It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the
net that a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be
banned by the FCC.
23. One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a
minority or woman contractor.
24. 30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting
Newt Gingrich cutting off funds for the Federal Light
Bulb Changing Agency...
25. Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual
harassment lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
26. Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to
screw it in. Another to file harassment charges against
the men possibly looking at her in the dark.
27. Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks
are for!
28. If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up
to the government or the father to support any children
resulting from such a sexual act. She will also require
free day care for the light bulb children and federal
funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be
treated under affirmative action hiring quotas.
29. Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform
will limit the number of free light bulbs a woman can
receive to under 2 years supply.
30. One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump),
she would be able to replace the light bulb much easier.
31. One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother
Earth and use a fluorescent lamp designed to last 3
times longer and protect the environment... But if a man
isn't paying for it, then she will use the cheapest one.
32. Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a
really good job.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
1. (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's
job."
2. None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the
socket.
3. Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the
broken glass and another to phone her boyfriend to put
the new one in.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
2. One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep
track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their
minds and provide wax jobs.
3. None. Men don't screw-in light bulbs; they think they
can turn them on just by rubbing up against them.
4. One -- men will screw anything.
5. Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
1. We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does
it.
2. Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out
for more bulbs.
How many new men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there
is no such thing as a genuine new man, and in any event,
the media, who like telling us what we all like, have
declared that women don't really go for new men anyway,
but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.
2. Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
How many new romantics does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing
concept, man !"
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to
ask.
How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do
it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
2. None. They have the girls do it.
How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "What's a light bulb?"
2. It depends how many blondes there are, but some people
prefer it with the lights off.
3. Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.
4. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around
her.
5. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call,
"Daaady!"
6. Three. One to hold the light bulb, two to spin the
ladder.
Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammers.
How does a blonde screw in a light bulb?
With lubricant. (But how does she get into the light bulb?)
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out light bulbs.
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn
on.
How many Harvard men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're too good (nose in the air) to do such menial
work.
How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they only screw in Cortinas
How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
one. It isN't oo easy.
How many dyslexics (sp?) does it take to bulb a like change?
1. Eno.
2. 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to missread the
manual (sp?).
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three, but they're really only one.
2. 200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous
prayers for it to see the light again, 10 to stand on
street corners and point out to others how that if they
don't accept what they're being told, their light might
go out as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of
darkness out of the light bulb, 2 to gather together in
"the name of the lord" because where two or more are
gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the
alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their
own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill
(as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),
74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins
so the lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot
telling the light bulb that if it really wants to be
saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and
pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of
time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a
day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really
- gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of
this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come
back on - unless god is just "testing" the light bulb,
then it may stay dark forever.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old
one to go back on.
How many scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll take years and
years and set you back a quarter million bucks.
How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---- You should have hit "n"!
One.
How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two: one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was
lit when the screwing began.
2. Six: two to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it
was lit from the moment they began screwing.
3. Nine: four to block the entrance to the room, four to
hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and
convince the person with the new bulb to let the room
stay dark.
How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't
exist before it was lit up.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
1. None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
2. Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the
socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to
reach the bulb.
How many kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if you beat them down, douse them with lighter fluid,
and throw them in a fire.
How many Purdue engineering students does it take to change a
light bulb?
One, and he gets three credit-hours for it.
How many Princeton students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Brown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven, one to change the light bulb and ten to share the
experience.
How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Hanover doesn't have electricity.
How many Cornell students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the
pressure.
How many Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy-six, one to change the light bulb, fifty to protest
the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
a counter-protest.
How many Yale students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Harvard/Oxford students does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him
to get it done.
2. It all depends on the size of the grant.
3. Two and a professor to take credit.
4. 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light
bulbs a day.
5. I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and
I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he
can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital
question.
How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
How many university students does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something
silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the
light bulb to be changed.
2. Two. One to hold it and one to turn him around.
3. 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs
changing, whether they should join the Light Bulbs Union
first and then what to call the new light bulb - (the
Nelson Mandela light bulb?), one to put it in... and
twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days
work...
How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None, they have their parents do it for them.
How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None. The students will just wreck it anyhow, so why bother?
How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one to sit in the
jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
How many computer science students does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. They are far too busy hacking.
How many engineering students does it take to change a light
bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
How many law students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the
rulebook gets defenestrated !" and the other to complain
about the hipopotamonstrosesqi (can't remember the end of
this word) end of his friend's last remark.
How many first year civil engineering students does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.
How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One hundred; one to change the light bulb, the other
ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't
chosen.
2. None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
3. Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
How many medical students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
How many maths students does it take to change a light bulb?
20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how
exciting it is.
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. 6 - one to screw it in and 5 to make the t-shirts.
2. 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the
bulb being changed.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
2. Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him
down off the keg.
3. Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer
until the room spins.
How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
1. Ch'iv na myinki blish.
2. 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to
self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him
and take the credit.
2. None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
What do they do with the dead bulb?
Execute it for failure.
What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
Execute him for cowardice.
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
1. None, they just assimilate the bulb.
2. All of them.
How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light
bulb?
One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his
fingerprints will provide a quite nice illumination. (Someone
please tell me what TV programme this is from...)
How many mechanoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. Y'know why? Because they're so stupid!
Note: From the Red Dwarf episode where Kryten became human.
How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know that!
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with
gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the
light you need.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board
for it to get in.
2. Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
2. Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
Why did the light bulb cross the road?
Because it saw two elephants coming.
How long would it take an elephant and a rhinoceros to screw in a
light bulb?
Hell if I know.
How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round
while he looks for a new one.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum. (with eternal
thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)
How many dinosaurs does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos
they have to evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip
the bulb to screw it in. :)
How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and
wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial
light source.
How many giraffes does it take to change a light bulb?
4, one screw for each of their necks.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two--but how did they get in there?
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know but I bet it would take a whole lot.
How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: they do it in the fruit.
How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
How many antibiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're there to kill it off, not to help revive it.
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change
a light bulb?
1. "Are you sure you want to go to red alert Sir? It does
mean changing the bulb!"
2. 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light
bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which
Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty,
after checking around, notices that they have no more
new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the
dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to
procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock,
Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam
down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape
detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering
from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set
free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry.
Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb
is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five
year mission.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde:
We need help. We're three blondes changing a light
bulb.
Operator:
Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde:
Yes.
Operator:
The power in the house in on?
Blonde:
Of course.
Operator:
And the switch is on?
Blonde:
Yes, yes.
Operator:
And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde:
No, it's working fine.
Operator:
Then what's the problem?
Blonde:
We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all
fell and hurt ourselves.
How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following
conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an
election year. A committee will study the light-bulb
situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised.
A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers
will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will
be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional
district will share in the benefits of changing the light
bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be
assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as
bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as
bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A
Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures
and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding
trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be
made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will
investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details
of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the
Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general
will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light
bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot
afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President
Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene
lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free
kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every
congressman will send every one of his constituents a
newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb
changed almost single-handedly.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to
his light bulb.
2. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light
bulb...
3. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as
"Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known
as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i. E., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north)
door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the
beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a
chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,
this point being non-negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party
of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of
disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved,
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
installation shall occur in a manner consistent
with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful
to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being
non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any
or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon
components plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a
light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke:
An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department
of Energy plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the
replacement of a light bulb in a criticality beacon." The
beacon, similar to the revolving red lamp atop a police car,
warns workers of nuclear accidents. The memo said the job
should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace the
light. It added that the same job used to take 12 workers
4.15 hours.
The memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a
work-control meeting; talk with other workers who have done
the job before; meet again; get signatures from five people
at that work-control meeting; get the project plans approved
by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics, waste
management and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly
criticality-beacon test; direct electricians to replace the
bulb; and then test and verify the repair. Mark Obmascik in
Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)
How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
Note: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that
used to be where women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since
then it has earned a reputation for militant feminism as it
has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists' supposed
failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
first one.
How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. We don't know yet. No <ethnic> has ever tried to attempt
this complex (by <ethnic> standards) technical feat.
2. 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls
even if you knew how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage
patch dolls
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will
be continued next week. Meanwhile...
How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
None, assholes never see the light anyway.
How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. What?! And ruin my nails???
2. Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
3. Two. One to call the electricion and one to fix the
Martinis.
4. Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building
superintendant.
Note: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the
drink.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
2. Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. One, but it takes twelve steps.
2. One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light
bulbs.
3. One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
Note: think height!
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
one.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?
2. Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing
over whether or not the light bulb exists.
3. Define "light bulb".................
How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore
cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a
Miller Lite bulb...
How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
2. None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely
euthanized.
3. 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible
to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the
various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and
syllable; nine columnists to write about it from
radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to
respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven
Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes
(_what_ is said is not as important as saying it
correctly); six conservatives who believe things should
stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that
action should be taken immediately to form a committee
to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree
on principal with anything anyone else has suggested;
three peacemakers who believe it's more important to
work it out without showing any more emotions than
necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain
that numbers are more important than facts; and one
pragmatist to ignore the BS and replace the bad bulb
with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the
Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make
absolutely sure that it really does add up to 66.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Note: A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a
Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer,
or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I
see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel
Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the
mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his
famous theorem, I believe.
2. Two, the new one and the old one. (hahahahah ???)
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take
to screw in a light bulb?
1. (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened
government has made it unnecessary for people to screw
in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of
former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light
Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your
home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on
only a few months notice.
2. (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in
light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step,
and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my
fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove
this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah!
What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
3. (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is
changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was
made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up
massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see
how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw
in here.
4. (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an
obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this
campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people
resent it.
5. (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates
are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners
won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
6. (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for
wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But
that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my
media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in
all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did
in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
7. (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial
solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light
bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and
Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American
Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or
even paper money to allow them to buy into the American
Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all
Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to
the White House.
How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take
to change a light bulb?
1. (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we
didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do
it.
2. (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess
the servants have always taken care of that... With a
DuPont administration, the power of the free market will
be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need
changing.
3. (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal
this light bulb!
4. (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry
about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry
about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
5. (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
6. (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent
that question. I've answered it before, and I think the
media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American
people are TIRED of light bulb jokes.
How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say
that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it,
one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude
that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first
screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was
altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across
the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the
bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being
disinformation specialists.
How many election canvassers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time
for a change but the only way this can come about is if
everyone votes for "New light bulb."
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many military information officers does it take to change a
light bulb?
At the present point in time it is against policy and the
best interests of military strategy to divulge information of
such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the
cartons of inferior American produced light bulbs for one
that isn't defective.
Note: Probably the Eastern European equivalent of an ethnic
joke.
How many Sparts does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
Note: Sparts = Spartacus Youth League, a leftist fringe group
that believes in violent revolution. Attributed to Michael
Anderson '83, a student activist at Harvard.
How many Trotskyists does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical sarcastic angry Alexei Sayle voice)
It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
Note: An anarchic society has no one in charge; each must do
for theirself. Perhaps it would help to say, "All of them.
Or, none of them. Or several." (BTW, I prefer "theirself" to
any other construction.)
How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get
daaowwwwn !"
How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but don't expect results.
How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they like Danzig in the dark.
How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Four-one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb,
one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to
hold his crack pipe while he does it.
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32.......
How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
1. WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
2. JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?
How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old
one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him,
so...
How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
One, but they're really three.
How many manic-depressives does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between
the new and old bulbs. (Yes, anal-retentive really does have
a hyphen.)
How many smokers does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. If they all light up together the light bulb
will do so too.
How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. "I can't change my light bulb. But I can change my
burger to a Burger King burger."
How many archaeologists does does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the
old one is.
How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb
so it'll be architecturally accurate.
How many "Changing light bulbs"-joke writers does it take to
change a light bulb?
Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured
that out yet.
How many of me does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to make up a joke about it, and
one to spend the next 6 months going round telling it to
everyone.
How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two thirds.
Note: Many mutations/birth defects result in people missing
limbs, etc. Thus, a mutant is often only "2/3 of a person".
Or, perhaps it's "Got three hands, only needs two for the
job?"
How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
2. One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four
Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and
Oliver North to help him.
Note: Both answers are topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it
away, without checking whether or not there was actually
anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of
mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it
back and say it was all done with the light bulb's best
interests at heart.
2. Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old
bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring
society, one to arrange the case conference and one to
make sure they are all following the correct working
practice.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root
cause as to why the last one went out.
How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change
a light bulb?
1. All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind
of job they can get after they graduate.
2. Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three - one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to
change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of
the old bulb.
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Change it to what?
How many Ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn,
and...
How many [trying to think of it] does it take to change a light
bulb?
????. One to change it,???? to????, and one to complain that
even after all these technical advances, a light bulb still
only lasts 1000 hours.
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Four - One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember
the combination. (left a bit, right a bit, left a
bit...)
2. None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
Note: Ever notice that the electronic bank signs are
full of burned-out light bulbs?
How many gardeners does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about
whether this is the right time of year to be putting in
light bulbs or daffodil bulbs.
2. Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change
as the older, heavier ones.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as will fit in the El Camino.
Note: El Camino is a type of Chevrolet (no longer made) that
was popular with Latinos. Mexicans are also known/stereotyped
as putting a lot of people into their cars when they go
low-riding.
How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb??
Hell !, You mean it was one of OURS !?!?!
Note: Topical to the shooting down of 2 allied helicopters
over Iraq.
How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a
distraction.
2. Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit
when it explodes.
3. Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and
another to claim responsibility in phone call to the
news media.
How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light
bulb?
45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of
Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of
Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste
up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the
cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite
into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for
the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working
lights.
How many SAS men does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a light
bulb?
96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when
the whole city turns up to watch. (Topical to the
Hillsborough disaster.)
How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead,
one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it
to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred
years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
How many EEPers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Ten - 1 to replace the bulb and 9 to do a long term study of
the effects on his/her social development relative to
same-age peers who sat around in the dark.
Note: EEP = Early Entrance Program at the University of
Washington
How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call
before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed
overnight.
How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
1. It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
2. Two-fifty.
3. One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody
around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into
the Guinness Book of World Records.
4. One, who'll do it for food.
5. One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and
pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel
room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the
light bulb went.
6. Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same
way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis
Effect (which is actually pretty negligible).
7. Furrfu ! Note: - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in
Rot-13 (a simple but commonly-used cipher that helps
protect the unwary against unwanted exposure to sexual,
vulgar, or other offensive language).
How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for
the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati,
one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker
to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday
burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was
telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted
Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other
people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb
joke?
622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give
some minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a
great new joke that noone else had ever thought of.
How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?
swimming
None, fish are through the of my conciousness,
and edges
I dark.
like the
How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he's gotta cross-post it all over the goddam place.
How many USENET users does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
1. Six. One to point out the spelling (you illiterate
idiot!), one to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!,
one to flame the flamer, one to ask to be removed from
the news group, one to ask for a copy of the last
message :-) , and one to ask how to unROT the joke.
2. Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on
net.bulbs.d.
Note: a nice try, but there's no such group.
[1]alt.fan.lightbulbs is quite active, though - BRIAN.
How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out
every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people
have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite
feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for
more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great
discontent among the people who have brought really bright,
long-lasting bulbs.
How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a light bulb ?
31. One to change the light bulb and thirty to flame them for
picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ...
Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is
rec.humor (US spelling) not rec.humour.
How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20
to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them
in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to
ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come
in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out
again and start the whole process all over again. And
one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to
100.
2. 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and
over again and still no one notices it's been changed so
they change it again and again and then they even
discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it
in rec.humor.d.
3. 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to
flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is
different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame,
pointing out that the new bulb is deliberately
different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the
room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand
that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14
to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed
seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but
it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying
to put the old bulb back in.
4. An infinitely growing number : - One to announce that
the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one
to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying
"Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post
in saying "Our news software hasn't been working and I
missed the original light bulb joke. Would someone
please post it again or email it to me?", one to post in
quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to
turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade
into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I
don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes?",
one to post in after two months "What's this light bulb
joke you're all talking about?", one to repost it a
month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I
didn't get it. What's the punchline?", one to post "Has
anyone got a list of these? I'm starting a list, so
please send me all your light bulb jokes", and one to
cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later
prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here?" and
accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many
programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three
to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old light
bulbs archived at?", and any number to revive the entire
exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.
How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing
footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to
ask if that's really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then
to realise that the speed of light can't be measured, except
in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it
and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the
hedgehog song...
How many DR. ROCKETs does it take to change a light bulb?
juSt ONe, BUt he CHAngES It tO RADioACtIVE dusT WItH HIs
NuclEAR WArHead!!
How many Nitpicks does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let someone else change it, then they point
out all the mistakes the bulb-changer made!
How many EXPLAINORs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because The KILLOR killed him!
(Note : The last 3 all refer to personalities in the
rec.humor group.)
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to watch
him to make sure he doesn't say 'nipple'.
2. Eight. One screws in the light bulb, but seven more do
too, due to a software bug.
3. Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb gif mailing
list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a
message asking for the intructions on how to view a
light bulb.
Note: If you don't beleive me, see the
alt.binaries.pictures.supermodels,
alt.binaries.pictures.celebreties, and alt.sex
newsgroups and you will see threads up to 10 "ME TOO!"s
long consisting of all AOL'ers requesting to be put on
non exisitent .gif/ftp mailing lists. Internet folklore
tells us that all the gits are on AOL. The software
they're using is only partly to blame.
How many VEGAN-L subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One to change it and post a little joke about
it to the list, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post
in saying "Yes, but they have herbal remedies for it
nowadays", one to post "And homeopathic ones too, I read
somewhere", one to post in saying he accidentally deleted the
original light bulb joke and could someone please post it
again or email it to him, one to post in quoting everything
so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade,
one to post "What's this light bulb joke you're all talking
about then?", one to post "I dunno, it sounds like some kind
of food", one to post "In that case, has anyone got a recipe
for one then?", one to post in requesting Michael Traub look
up and tell us all its B12 content, one to post "Will it help
cure my auntie's arthritis?", one to assert that it probably
won't, but its effectiveness at this might well be increased
by accompanying it with some shiatsu and meditation, two to
condemn that as too unscientific, one to ask whether light
bulbs are totally vegan, one to post "Read the FAQ", one
assert that they are and add "I like light bulbs. They're low
in fat, and stay crunchy in soya milk too !", one to announce
that she's leaving the list unless the discussion gets a bit
more meaningful, three to post in reassuring her that
eventually it will, Lissa Mosley to post that the list
moderators feel they must respectfully request that the
discussion be moved to private email as it has been going on
far too long, one to agree with this and add "So what has all
this got to do with ethical veg*nism anyway?" and suggest the
discussion be moved to alt.fan.lightbulbs , and one to post
in quoting this suggestion and add "What's that?". So the
discussion moves to usenet, as our intrepid vegan-l
subscribers venture beyond the boundaries of email, and
alt.fan.lightbulbs finds itself taking a few days off from
the "My incredible light" and "Light Bulb death" discussions
and come up with some new jokes...
How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat
glistened on her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother
Billy had gone to the hardware store to get a new light bulb.
Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, silhouetted
against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the
bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any light bulbs but
wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he started
unzipping his pants...
How many uk.singles readers does it take to change a light bulb?
Most of them. One female to notice that it had gone out and
post something about how light bulbs are so masculine to the
group, two to post in disagreeing with this, Susan Macran to
post "Bog off stumpy!", a whole terminal room in Keele to sit
there discussing it only among themselves, one to post a
coherent critique of Susan Macran's last post, Kate Smith to
complain that the women always get flamed more than the men,
Menya to say that light bulbs are sexy as long as they're
orange and could someone bring her a nice hot one, and two
people to post in suggesting a boink so they can all get
together and change the light bulb, with real friendship and
good lighting not relationships uppermost in their minds.
During all this time, not one person dares risk losing points
by posting a personals ad.
How many alt.pagan.* group readers does it take to change a light
bulb
1. None. Torches are more traditional.
2. 23. One to change the bulb and 22 to argue how their
family tradition regarding light bulbs is more justified
and ancient than anyone else's.
How many IRC chatters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each
other off that noone ever has enough time to get anything
done !
How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb
joke?
300 - one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1. 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How
many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem."
2. 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to
check it hasn't been done already!
How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb
joke?
Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be
submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the
probability that it will have changed detectably since the
last transmission is .2 . Hence (assuming independence, which
is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever
seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2
or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given
week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to
change a light bulb joke.
How many knock-knock jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who's there?
How many GLC workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters
announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to
change the light bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
2. Farm.
How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling
processcr.
Note: refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition
techniques.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
2. Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water
out the window. (An interesting story about this joke -
it was once being told at a party or something, and the
person being asked correctly made up a completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud
chorus of "No, it's a fish !")
How many fish does it take to change a light bulb?
surrealist.
How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile
hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to
glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb
in the socket and fill the room with light while all the
critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the
cocker spaniel. (what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
How many sado-masochists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under
him.
How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "And that's magic !"
How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
How many computer security experts does it take to change a light
bulb?
"That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb.
If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one,
but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a
B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a
B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book"]
How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the
problems, we just find them.
How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. How many?
2. It depends : - If they are applications programmers, it
takes exactly twice as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each
variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are
core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve
around him.
3. One to analyze the historical failure rates of light
bulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the
failure of the light bulb before the user actually has
to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for
changing light bulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT,
MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom
interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually
request the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC
SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the light bulbs
needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways,
cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually
spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight,
one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a
new version of the light bulb will ship, how much we'll
pay to keep using light bulbs for another year, and what
we'll do if our site sends all its light bulbs to Europe
where 120V/60Hz light bulbs tend to explode upon
insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an
incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will
perpetually insert new filaments into all mission
critical light bulbs until its author is fired, at which
point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself
into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to
write a graphical front end to the light bulb changing
process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing
the number of light bulbs changed per hour, so that
management can understand why we need to buy bigger
light bulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the
entire light bulb project, taking credit for the design
and execution of the light bulb project itself as well
as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one
to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking light bulb
replacement on twelve different types of light sockets,
with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent
bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling,
axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all
added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push
the dollie loaded with SAS/Light Bulb manuals, *and*,
One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to
change that bulb, NOW.
4. Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
5. Please let us know!
6. That depends; what color is the bulb?
7. It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or
not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
8. They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they
can't read the manual, and without the manual, they
can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
9. This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a
*hardware* problem...
10. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure
the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
11. One, once the documentation for the procedure is found
in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
12. Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
13. Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to
the (validity of the) output.
14. It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8
characters long.
How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There's a primitive for that.
Note: I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure
that is included as a part of the language. You don't have to
write code ("hack") to do it.
How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light
bulb?
1. "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and
it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific
about the exact problem?..."
2. I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting
technology.
3. Our engineers are busy at the moment... We have assigned
query number 987632 to your question. Please refer to it
in all future correspondence.
How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
light bulb?
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to
be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you
have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be
four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light
switch?
How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
MIS has received your request concerning your hardware
problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712.
Please use this number for any future reference to this light
bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you
will be contacted.
How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the
electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch
on.
How many experienced computer users does it take to change a
light bulb?
Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody
week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not
broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It
WAS broken this time you say ? Blush
How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They screw in hotel rooms.
How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light
bulbs.
How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to
change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of
bulb.
How many builders does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but I'll 'ave to take out yer rafters and 'ave a go at
yer damp an'all missus. Gi's a week or two and I'll drop
round some numbers.
How many Romanians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
2. None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt
bulb per family to save electricity.
3. How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give
them?
How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
What did the light bulb say to the fuse?
That's a blow !
How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in
a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.
2. One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
3. Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the
sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't
tending to the sheep's needs.
4. Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and
one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
How many trainspotters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down,
and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light
bulb?
1. Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into
an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
2. One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and
sticky back plastic.
How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a light
bulb?
Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one,
of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its
packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2
"Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all
wrong.
How many A & R men does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. "We're not changing any light bulbs at the
moment."
2. None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one,
but I liked it better without the light bulb."
How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None. That's a tech job.
Note: That joke is a lot funnier if you know a little bit
about the wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it to
say that it is a highly unionized environment, and there is
always a little friendly (?) bickering between the
technicians and the jocks. :-)
How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Tourist: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a
light bulb?
Welsh Choir: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in
moving harmony...
How many crusties does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is
just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4
stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the
ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and
smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is
and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go
down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at
least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the
hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new
bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special
brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into
his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined
on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've
forgotten but they do at least sound familiar, and much
frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the
trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the
squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the
group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair
crimped. Anyway once inside, the light bulbs are all smashed
on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can
begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a
Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is
lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be
the dog, holding the last unsmashed light bulb in its mouth.
How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
Note: Could someone please tell me if this is referring to
anything...
How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
How many Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
collections in the bulb's name.
How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it
in the wrong way.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what you want them to change it into.
How many egotists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
How many health food freaks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the
ingredients on the new one. (But did they change it for
health or philosophical reasons?)
How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The
Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror
that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI
who are involved in (blah blah blah...)
How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change
a light bulb?
All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait
at least half an hour while the others read out all the
announcements.
How many macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and
one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to
call the ambulance.
How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old
macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
How many VMM members does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A
little bit of bitterness there from Brian.)
2. Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand
around discussing what they all want to do next.
Note: VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody
ever puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do
anything.
How many new-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around
going "Hmmm well I don't really mind who does it. I
mean, I COULD do it, but of course I woudn't want to
impose my will upon anyone else..."
2. Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad
psychic auras.(and optionally another dozen to perform
the dance of the renewal of the light.)
3. Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
4. Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll
work in the future.
How many French farmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new light bulb. Farmer
#2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and
promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get
another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported
British sheep.
How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around
solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable
tv pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to
screw in a LIGHT BULB.
1. None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing.
Even if they did they'd get someone else to do it.
2. One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of
the soft white variety over all others.
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone
that admits to being a racist even if you knew how many you
were looking for. Instead, they tend to say things like "Well
I'm not a racist, BUT ....."
How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a light
bulb?
Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
Note: Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke
referes to the many arabs who are moving to high-class
neigbourhoods in the United States.
How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
None, they have a service come in and do that.
How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much
better it was in the Sixties.
How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the
electrician. (Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive
imported lagers...) (Secondly, this is meant to be told about
Sloane Rangers, but most people didn't seem to have a clue
what that meant so I changed it.)
How many politically correct people does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. "Why should we impose our values on the light bulb? If
it wishes to be a light bulb of no light, we should respect
its uniqueness and individuality."
How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs.
They ban light bulb jokes.
How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it
too fast.
How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the
block.
How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
None, they're afraid there's been too much development
already.
How many people about to move out of the city does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black
anyway.
How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button
which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how
many thousand years will be required to rediscover the
technology to manufacture more and replace them.
How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a
light-bulb?
Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm
with the old one.
How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
2. None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
How many poltergeists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor,
one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things
about just for good measure.
How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
changed it to "light bulb".
How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to
arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just
go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks,
anytime."
How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment
about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in
Buffalo.
How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to
screw it in.
How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
[punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication
ban; e-mail list maintainer]
How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all
her friends about it.
How many Daleks does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the
building.
2. 1,500,000: To conquer a race that can climb ladders for
them.
How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a light
bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in
plastic.
Note: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in
plastic.
How many MTV cartoon characters does it take to change a light
bulb?
1. Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Light Bulbs suck or
something... Huh-huh-huh... Yeah ! But light bulb jokes
are coool... huh-huh... Huh-huh... Light Bulb jokes kick
aaaasss... (inserts hand into trousers and rubs up and
down...)
2.
Butthead
Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, HOW?
Beavis
I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Butthead
I dunno know either you dumb ass.
Uhhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis
Who are you calling dumb ass, butt munch?
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Butthead
You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis
Shut up Butthead!
Butthead
No, you shut up!
Beavis
Shut up!
Butthead
Shut up!
Beavis
Shut up!
Butthead
No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh! Answer the
damn question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis
Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm, what is
the question, Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
Butthead
Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I
thought you knew. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Beavis
I think I am having a stiffy. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
Butthead
Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think
it was like, uh-uh, like how many, uh-uh, like
Beavis and Buttheads, huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh,
does take to screw in a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
Beavis
I dunno know...
Butthead
Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think he
means like our, uh-uh, ...
3.
Butthead
: "Uh huh huh huh huh. You said "Screw."
Beavis
: "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw. Screw.
SCREW!"
Butthead
: "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick your
ass."
How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to
the hardware store.
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
1. It depends whether the switch is on or off.
2. If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any
number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
How many deaf blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the
darkness...
How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
<Ahem> We do not discuss this with ladies and children
present.
How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then
surround the house when it rebuffs them.
2. It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
Note: BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms,
repsonsible for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !)
Branch Davidians siege in spring 1993, which ended in a
fashion the second punchline suggests.
How many xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents, narcs, deans)
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to seize the light bulb and the others hold him very
very still, because they KNOW the world turns.
(Someone please explain this one ! Surely it's not the same
joke as egotists?)
How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to
dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the
plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters
in part.
How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues
that it isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says
that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a
synthesis when the bulb gets screwed in.
Note: Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called
dialectics to seek answers to seemingly mutual exclusive
positions. Shortened it is "thesis, antithesis, synthesis".
Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle ground
through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made
light'.
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves
and if they need light they go out and look at the sun.
How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a
relatively modern invention.
How many folklorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it
will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really
hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering
uninterrupted light.
2. You have to examine the nature of the question.
How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
2. Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides
it isn't going to hatch.
3. None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell
the story about "last night."
Note: This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work
there. The stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a
few bedroom exploits.
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one
how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from
the audience.
How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
1. Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted
with light bulbs !
2. They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out
bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark.
Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't
see.
How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his
cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an
"I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain
about the waiting period.
2. Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out
of the gun.
How many Newfies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer
the new one in. (A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid -
usually told by Canadians.)
How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come
together to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for
the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one
to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one
to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic
rock.
How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have
something to screw in and the other to screw it in for
minimum wage.
How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they *like* it in the dark.
How many one-armed people does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They won't, because:
o "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written
on it!"
o "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to
a brighter one, so where will it all end?"
o "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire
world three times over."
o "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as
anyone is hungry anywhere."
o "We don't know what effect all this artificial light
will have on the future of mankind."
o "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just
haven't learned to husband it yet."
o "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
o "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no
electricity."
o "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to
provide light to all Americans, without regard to race,
age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion),
religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or
need."
How many furries does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb.
Three to protect the first with overkill-type weaponry, wear
clothing which emphasizes curves and musculature, and look
cute and dangerous at the same time.
Note: furries = characters in what's called "furry" science
fiction. Best depicted on cover art; the men look like
bodybuilders, the women are indescribably buxom, and both
wear some version of Tarzan/Jane-style costumes to show as
much skin and musculature as possible.
How many furfen does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to climb up the ladder and change the light bulb.
One to complain that there was too much erotica in the
previous answer and this one, and that people should come up
with more non-erotic answers because of the impact on public
negativity towards furriness. And the third to explain about
their erotic dreams involving furry light bulb jokes.
Note: furfen = fans of furries. "fen" is a long-used plural
for "fan".
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to
replace a light bulb?
Many hands make light work.
Note: "Poor Richard's Almanac" is a classic of colonial
Americana, written (pseudonymously) by Ben Franklin in the
1740s. It advocates a simple, thrifty lifestyle in the form
of aphorisms, including that one, so it makes a nice play on
words.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Note: It might be something to do with the film - 2001 Space
Odyssey. It's more the book, actually. That and "The Lost
Worlds of 2001" should help illuminate this one. The big
black monoliths, according to the books, are meant to help
man evolve, something sort of hinted at in the film but more
explicitly stated in the books.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's
something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel,
about it being impossible to prove things.)
How many Bayesians/subjectivists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
As many as you think it takes.
P.S. Fortunately, the author has learned much about Bayesian
inference (and about the subjectivity inherent in "classical"
inference) since then -- so spare us the flames about the
misperceptions on which the above joke is based.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Note: The "dadaist" answer, like dadaism itself, goes further
than the surrealist one. Whereas the surrealist one at least
bears the semblance of a relationship to the question, the
dadaist one is the punchline to another joke entirely.
How many spies does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother?
(I guess the point is that spies like to do everything in the
dark anyway?)
How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what
rotten and worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is
allowed to leave the room to go to the bathroom while the
bulb screwing is in progress.
Note: EST (Erhard Seminars Training) was some sort of
self-esteem-building programme that was popular in the late
1970s. The sessions were as described in the punchline.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's
against the will of God.
2. Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
Note: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania
Dutch", who mostly (though not exclusively) live in
southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted for their religion.
They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using
such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and
indeed often look and act as if they were time travelers from
the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and
buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant
immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration
people misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for
nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE
PA every year, where they often have a chance to sample their
sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.
How many NSC members does it take to change a light bulb?
1. We can't say.
2. Three, in fourteen countries.
Note: The NSC is the US National Security Council, whose rubric
Oliver North was acting under, and which is often accused by
people such as Gore Vidal of secretly governing the country.
How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but
they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by
itself.
Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early
reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of
Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They
believed that if they shifted the focus of government
economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the
business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and
inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't
quite work out that way.
How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the
University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal
reputation.
How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French
psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with
literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.
How many gypsies does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and
the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies.
You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the
hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and
the hallway lamp is still out.
How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a light bulb?
100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a (New York?) hotel who
was a real bitch to work for. She fired employees at little
or no provocation.
How many marginals does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the
proctologist.
Note: Anyone know what a marginal is or does? It sounds like
a rude reference to a supposed homosexual practice of putting
foreign objects in each others' rectums. Perhaps "marginal"
is some regional insulting term for some kind of male
homosexual?
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half. (Is this a science-fiction in-joke?)
Why did the light bulb fall out of the tree?
1. Cos it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
2. Cos Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and
nasty.
3. Cos it was autumn. (eh?)
(Thus combining the twin themes of light bulb jokes and jokes
about things falling out of trees...)
How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
2. One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a
ten course meal and some great sex.
3. One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out
bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when
they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak
French, and shine any color you want it to.
2. Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy
of the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Light Bulbs.'
3. Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to
be done.
How many Cancerians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grief process.
2. Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
3. None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with
the problem.
How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their
agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're
out.
2. None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own
light.
How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Virgos don't have time to change their own light bulbs.
They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
2. Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
3. Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time
the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to
decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why
that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide
to remodel the house as long as they're changing the
bulb...
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make
that two. Is that okay with you?
2. Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
3. Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the
bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just
one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the
person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb,
or...
How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
2. None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
3. That information is strictly secret and only shared with
the inner members of the heirarchical Order.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
2. The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out light bulb?
3. A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long
enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None. Capricorns can't afford new light bulbs - unless
they're a legitimate business expense.
2. I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
3. None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to
burn out again tomorrow anyway.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Well, you have to remember that everything is energy
so...
2. A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to
change the bulb and bring light to the world.
3. Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop
asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really
totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Huh? The light's out?
2. What light bulb?
3. None: They concern themselves with inner light.
How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
2. Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
3. Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)